Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
