She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
