my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
