When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
