me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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