dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
