You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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