if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
