She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
