saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
