ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my shit smells like andre
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am available for nakedness
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
