The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
