I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
