Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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