he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
