You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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