he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you made out with another girl for some wings
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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