I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
