Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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