Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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