This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
ttyl tear gas
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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