So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
