Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
