I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
