Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
