Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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