Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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