We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
