you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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