My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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