what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
