Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
