please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
