Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
