I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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