Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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