sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
