Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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