Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
did i just pee glitter
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
