Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
