Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
