The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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