he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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