Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
