in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
