i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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