Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
