I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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