woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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