She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
