soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
