i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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