sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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